Before I had Elise, I kind of thought that if I had somehow gotten pregnant very young (not sure how that was gonna happen, but that's another story) that I would have been okay. I never thought it would be easy, but I always had this idea in my head that I would handle it better than most people. Looking back, I still do think that I would have been okay, but I can't imagine what my life would be like right now. I don't think I would be the same person I am now.

You know how sometimes they update the dictionary and add new meanings to old words so that over time the original definition gets bumped down to the bottom of the list? Each new definition builds on the last, but eventually the original is almost forgotten. I think people are like that. We redefine ourselves over the years. At our core, our first meaning is still there, but the other ones become more prominent. I think this redefinition is important. And when something happens to force an update before it's really ready, it can be tough to ever move on from what we used to be.

It was harder than I thought it would be to become "Mommy." I don't mean to conceive and give birth, but to take on this role that I always thought I was totally ready for. It was rough to let go of how I had thought of myself for so long. I could do what I wanted and go where I wanted and suddenly there were so many things I had to think of and do and juggle just to go to the grocery store or gas up the car or go to the doctor. My time, my life, suddenly belonged to somebody else in a way that I never imagined. I did everything I could do to physically prepare for Elise's arrival. I bought all the items and got her room ready and installed the car seat. But I'm not sure this is something that you can prepare for emotionally. I have spent years caring for other people's children, but at the end of the day I could go home. Now I can't imagine it any other way, but I have to admit I went through a time where I resented the fact that I couldn't even take a shower without figuring out what I was going to do with Elise.  But that passed quickly and now I miss her all the time I'm not with her. It feels wrong to be anywhere without her. I have fallen into the role as well as I could have hoped for. I have redefined myself. I am Elise's Mommy.