Fulfillment

I just figured something out in my head.

The reason I am so crazy about breastfeeding and the reason I still have serious guilt about giving up on cloth diapering (stupid right, who cares about what diapers she wears?) and the reason I obsess over every little detail of Elise's life and care (other than because I am generally obsessive) is that I feel like being a mom is now the only thing I have left that I can still not disappoint myself with.

I do still plan to finish school, but I will never be any of the things I wanted to be. I’m never going to be a doctor or a research scientist or a biotechnologist or a genetic engineer. I probably will never be any of my consolation prizes either – not an editor, not a writer. I feel like I wasted a brilliant mind (sorry, but I do have a pretty good brain) and maybe cheated the world out of some kind of contribution I could have made. I’m learning to be okay with that even though I feel like I totally let myself down and really wasted all my potential. I’m trying at least.

But the thing I can still be my best at is being a mom. I can give Elise all the chances and opportunities that I wasted. I don't care what she chooses to do with her life as long as she uses her potential to create the best Elise she can make of herself. But I’m worried that that won’t be enough and that I will always feel unfulfilled, and that’s the reason I pour everything into her. Maybe making her the best she can be will also make me the best I can be in the end. Maybe she will be my contribution to the world. Maybe she already is.